The doors swing back and a mad, wailing cackle fills the air. A bottle of red wine peeks through the opening followed by a regal white boot and there she is. Queen Cerys Matthews of Catatonia. Dressed … um, as a cowgirl? Oh yes. A cowgirl with tassels. And not much else.

Only a minute ago, Her Majesty's doting king, Stereophonics' Kelly Jones, was slouching about in his customarily gruff manner, chewing the fat with his assembled minions. Now, however, he would appear to be chewing the carpet along with the rest of us, wondering exactly how he was going to scrape his jaw back off the ground. What we've all failed to remember is that the Metropolitan Hotel, where we've decided to conduct today's great meeting of the Britrock monarchy, is a mere stoned throw-up from Cerys' notorious stomping ground, the Met Bar. In fact, It's in the same damn building. Still, brilliantly unpredictable though Cerys' spectacular entrance is, you really should see Kelly's face.

"Hello, Kelly," chirrups Her Maj, tottering about on her heels.

"…" says Kelly, before adding a particularly dumbstruck "…" He's just finished recording his line for the BBC's millennium song in a neighbouring room, but, behind his eyes, you can almost see him rewriting the lyrics for a swift retake tomorrow. "I know," he'll sing, "It's only rock'n'roll, but when it walks in half-naked looking like it's about to wrestle a wayward steer then get it thoroughly bladdered, I bloody love it."

It's been an amazing year for both our cover stars. Catatonia heading their enormous outdoor show at Margam park, Stereophonics theirs at Morfa Stadium. Catatonia releasing their hugely successful "Equally, Cursed and Blessed" album, Stereophonics their even more successful "Performance and Cocktails" LP. Both have played at Wembley Stadium, both have recently duetted with Tom Jones and now both have been chosen to grace the first ever cover of the new, hi-tech Maker.

"It's the first time in nearly 75 years that you've changed format, isn’t it?" smiles Cerys, tilting her hat to make herself look even more wickedly wanton. "Well it's about time you didn’t get all that ink on your hands, innit? Ooooh look at me! I've got make-up all over my hands instead!"

"Melody Maker's been very supportive of us," nods Kelly, struggling to keep up with Cerys' pace, and doubtless not a little disturbed to find his nifty, white racing top somewhat trumped by her niftier, whiter cowgirl combo. "So this is a great honour." And, with that, off he trots to have a gun pointed at his nipple and find his tightly-denimed crotch codpieced by Cerys' 10-gallon hat. All of which he does with considerable amount of terror, despite the stabilising influence of Cerys' boyfriend, who turns up, doubtless, to keep a watchful eye on his other half.

"You know what?" whispers Kelly, wheeling The Maker off to one side after the photoshoot. "I've never been of f***ing scared in my whole life! I really wanted to do this, cos I've got a lot of respect for Cerys and Catatonia. But the first thing I said to my manager was 'Does Cerys want to do it?' Cos I didn’t want to be the one who said yes first, only to be blown out! It's exactly the same as chatting somebody up!"

"And," he adds, nervously, "It's an odd situation. I'm in a band and I'm used to standing in front of Stuart and Richard when I have my picture taken. It was weird having them behind me, f***ing with my ears and my arse!"

It's a mischievous place to start. During the walk from the room where the photoshoot takes place to Cerys' hotel room (room service littered about the floor, but everything nevertheless in it's correctly appointed place), Cerys and Kelly have been chatting about whether or not he should agree to an upcoming photoshoot for a well-known gay magazine. So, the second tape goes on, with an evil twinkle in her eye, Cerys asks: "Kelly, are you going to do that photoshoot for that mag we were talking about?"

"What?" mumbles Kelly, nervously, "The gay mag? Um, I dunno, what do you think?"

Cerys: "Well. Do you enjoy doing it?"

Kelly: "What? Gay pictures?"

Cerys: "No, do you enjoy doing pictures in general?"

Kelly: "Erm, sometimes. Not all time, though. I don't think the boys back home would be very happy with that one"

Cerys: "Would you get stick?"

Kelly: "Hmmm, it's not the cleverest thing that, I guess"

Cerys: "Then I think you should definitely do it! Haha!"

Kelly: "Erm, we'll see. I… er, dunno. Dunno. Um."

One-nil to Cerys, then! So, what compromising question would you like to ask Cerys, Kelly?

"I dunno really," he pauses, diplomatically, Then, with a 'f*** it' expression, he goes right for the jugular. "My mother wanted me to ask you something, but you'll probably just give me a slap!"

Cerys: "What? What? Is it gonna be horrible?"

Kelly: "No, It's a nice question. She just wanted to ask you something about you and Tom Jones."

Cerys: "Oh yeah? What, did she want to know if I'm having it with Tom?"

Kelly: "Yeah, you don't have to answer it, like."

Cerys: "No, I'm not going to answer it!"

Kelly: "It’s only a joke!"

Cerys: "Nah, after I did that 'Audience with Tom Jones' thing on telly, all the women in my street were going: 'Oooooh, what's happening Cer? What's happening Cer?' They're all jealous! They'll be stockpiling their pants in my garden soon!"

And then, for the first time in living memory, Cerys Matthews stops talking and looks decidedly embarrassed. One-all. Nice one, Kelly.

Possible dalliances aside, both Kelly and Cerys are gushing with praise for the Iconic Tom today. He's obviously a shared hero and both of them were delighted to work with him. But will they both still be performing when they are his age?

"Yeah," grins Kelly. "If we're still happy doing it, like he is."

"God, yeah," beams Cerys. "he thrives on it."

"He's the most energetic bloke I've ever met," gushes Kelly. "Him and Steven Tyler. And they're both over 50! He told me as long as you get eight hours sleep and drink plenty of water, then you won't have to worry about the next day."

"Hmmm," considers Cerys, "I don't find that's true. Do you, Kelly?"

"Erm, no," he replies. And blushes. "He's an amazing man though, Tom Jones,. We first met him when he came to watch us play Wembley with James last Christmas. He took us out afterwards and told us stories for three hours, ignoring his record company and sitting next to me and Stuart instead. He was drinking beer, just telling us stories about Elvis for three hours. It's things like that which really do it for you."

Cerys nods, "If you meet like-minded people, you're gonna get off on it. Cos you get a buzz about learning new things and f***ing looking up to them or whatever."

So does the fact that you and Cerys have so much in common mean that you find yourselves attracted to each other. Kelly?

"Well," he says, understandingly edgy now, "if me and Cerys lived in a different era - the sixties or the seventies - and we'd just done a photo session like that the end result would've been us jumping into f***ing bed together! No question! But times change and…"

"… And my boyfriend turned up!" cackles Cerys.

"And mine's on their way!" snorts Kelly, before realising his gaffe. "Um, not my boyfriend! My girlfriend! Let's f***ing clear that up before I do the photoshoot for the gay mag, eh?"

But do you actually fancy Cerys, Kelly?

"Oh," he mumbles, somewhat startled. "Um, well… yeah, innit."

"If I wasn't in a band and I met Kelly," says Cerys deviously, "I'd probably be the best groupie in the world! Do I fancy him? God yeah! Of course! How much? Nooo, I'm not telling you that! I think things like that, people I fancy, should be kept very close to my heart. Just go act on it; don't tell people about it!"

Blimey! So, what do you think it would be like to be Kelly, Cerys?

"Short!" says Kelly, answering for her.

"Yeah," laughs Cerys. "Short! Doesn’t everyone come up to you and go: 'god you're small!'"

"I get that all the time," sighs Kelly

"Me too," comforts Cerys. "And I'm, like, standing there with five-inch heels on!"

Kelly looks down at her feet and giggles. "I should borrow your f***ing shoes!"

Actually, though they wouldn't necessarily describe themselves as best mates, Kelly's and Cerys' paths have crossed several times before. Kelly's band played their first ever gig as Stereophonics supporting Catatonia at the Aberdare Coliseum, back when both of them were mere twinkles in a record company accountant's eye.

"They did a brilliant gig," recalls Cerys, "and we were ruddy awful! They blew us off stage! You got signed straight after that, didn’t you?"

"Yeah," nods Kelly, "pretty much. You were wearing baseball caps in them days, weren't you?"

"Baseball Caps?" roars Cerys, gesturing towards the heap of jumbled clothes on her bed. "What do they look like? Like the one I've got over there? Hahaha!"

"We didn’t really get to know each other that time," continues Kelly, "but we had a good night when we played the Paradiso in Amsterdam together. That was Valentine's night actually! In 1997."

"And I got a Valentine's card from you!" purrs Cerys.

"I drew this face thing on a Valentine's card and gave it to Swampy, out drum tech, to pass on to her," Kelly recalls. "And then, a while later, we both went to see Tom Jones in Cardiff and Cerys bought us some champagne co 'Bartender…' had gone to Number Three or whatever. And we all got pissed!"

"That was a brilliant night!" gushes Cerys. "We were all doing handstands and everything."

"I've got pictures of that," Kelly tells us, "but I'm glad I didn’t bring 'em with us cos you'd have probably tried to nab 'em!"

What do you think of each other's bands?

"Well," coos Cerys. "I really loved 'The Bartender and the Thief' to bits - it gets me going, same as Motorhead's 'Ace of Spades', and you can’t go wrong with that. I've told Kelly this before, but I thought it was amazing watching Saturday morning TV and, in the middle of S Club 7s and the pristine gorgeous boy bands who've got 10 minders and don't know how to spell their own names, there was this fantastic live performance. I remember sitting in bed watching it, and it just came across like a bloody red-hot blaze! I applaud that. Would I say that Stereophonics are one of my favourite bands? No."

Ooooh! Fight! Fight!

"No!" she continues, "because there's a million bands. You can go from Glen Campbell to Dolly Parton to a whole range of things! I haven't got favourite bands!"

"Everybody likes different bands," agrees Kelly. "When 'International Velvet' came out everybody had that record. When I was painting my new house, that was the only record that was ever on."

"Really?" sighs Cerys, happily.

"Yeah," nods Kelly, about to ruin the moment, "cos Emma [his long-term girlfriend] loves it to death. But I don’t tend to listen to many modern bands - just Catatonia and Supergrass."

"There is room for new music," concludes Cerys. "You've just got to be a music lover."

"Even if it's not the hippest thing around," agrees Kelly. "That's the thing: no one back in Wales used to listen to what hip and cool or read Melody Maker or anything, and that's why we all ended up being what we are."

"Cos, that way," adds Cerys, "you feed off everything, innit?"

The Manics used to read The Maker. Religiously.

"Hmmm," frowns Kelly. "Don't bring up that subject."

"Yeah," frowns Cerys. "Don't."

Ah, you've got so much in common!

"We have, though!" scolds Cerys. "Amazing football skills, stunning looks. Quick wit, gorgeous boyfriends and girlfriends, friends, family, houses, geographical area, amazing guitar players… that's all!"

"Eyelashes!" adds Kelly.

"And boobs!" nods Cerys.

Boobs, Kelly?

"Um, yeah," he laughs "I keep mine in a bag!"

Right you are, then…

You and I know them as Cerys From-Catatonia and Kelly From-Stereophonics, those weird, double-barrelled surnames that famous people adopt when they stop being normal. But, secretly, they never do quite stop being normal. Right now, Kelly and Cerys are as glam as it gets, supping expensive booze in a top-notch hotel, still wearing touches of make-up from the photoshoot, but it's not always that way…

"How normal's my home life?" muses Kelly. "What? Telly and that?"

Yeah. Because, in spite of her enormity, Cerys is well known for her love of gardening and cooking and all things regular.

"That's true," she nods, "but it's regular in a very traditional, old-fashioned way, isn't it?"

Absolutely, but we still don't know about Kelly, Cerys. His idea of home might be an enormous, golden palace filled with Filipino wenches, countless faithful hounds and big, f***-off mounds of naughty drugs. Possibly.

Kelly: "No, no dogs! Nah, I got back from touring Australia yesterday morning and just did what anybody else does: had something to eat, watched TV, had a bath. I'm as normal as anybody. It's weird, though: you look around the room of your house wondering what on earth you're supposed to be doing, waiting for your tour manager to ring. And, if the phone's not ringing, you wanna f***ing pick it up and dial someone to ask what the f*** you're meant to be doing!"

Cerys: "Do you find you get home, sit down and think: 'No, I can’t be doing with this!' and go straight out again? But you've gotta try and live a normal life, otherwise you just become Elton John!"

Kelly: "Hmmm, well I was doing this gig in America once and Swampy put these bottles of beer on the stage, but he'd left the tops on. And, after the gig, I said: 'Why didn’t you take the tops of these bottles? I couldn't drink them!' And he gave me a bollocking for it! He called me Elton John, cos I couldn't take the tops off my own bottles! That was two years ago and I've never, ever complained about anything since."

Cerys: "Oh, I have! I love it!"

Kelly: "Nah, well my older brother was my tour manager for a year and a half! Giving your f***ing brother a bollocking? It's just not natural, is it? But Stuart does tend to ask our tour manager things like: 'Have you checked the shower pressure? Is it working? Is it hot?' Stuff like that. We all laugh about it, but how f***ing 'This Is Spinal Tap' is that?"

When did either of you last get a bus?

Cerys: "A what?"

A bus.

Kelly: "A council bus?"

Yes. A bus. A public transport. Remember?

Kelly: "Today. I came to London on a train."

No. B. U. S. Bus!

Cerys: "I went on a Tube last weekend."

Gah!

Cerys: "No, it was amazing for me, cos I've got a bit of a phobia about them."

Kelly: "I don’t like Tubes."

Cerys: "It's all rush-hours and hard-ons."

Kelly: "That's a great title for a sing, that is!"

Cerys: "It is, though. That's why I won't go down there. 'Down there'! Huh huh huh!"

Kelly: "That's the chorus!"

Cerys: "We should do a song together, Kelly. Some day, two in the morning in Vegas, if we're both still alive in 20 years'' time! We'll be smacking each other: 'It's my turn to sing! F*** off from that mic!'"

Kelly: "That's be good. That's be really good."

Cerys: "Do you want to bugger off then? We've got a song to write!"

And so we do bugger off, leaving the King and Queen of Rock to plot their combined comeback and, doubtless, their shared first ever front cover for Melody Maker when we come back as a holographic digidisc in 2020. Long may they reign.

Cerys: "How often do you go on trains, Kelly?"

Kelly: "All the time."

C: "And you talk to people, don’t you? And they all go on about what a mess the system's in. The people who serve you tea and coffee don't even know who they're working for any more, let alone the bloody drivers! That bloody accident's gonna happen again and again and again. It's organisation they need, somebody with a bit of bloody logic. And then the Tories come out with this 'Common Sense' thing - well f*** that! It's all a load of bollocks!"

K: "One minute it's Tony Blair saying he's got all the common sense, the next it's William Hague. It just goes on and on and on. I've had letters off William Hague and I've had letters off f***ing Tony Blair, asking me to help them win kids' votes. But look at Noel Gallagher - he goes to number 10 and, a year and a half later, he regrets ever doing it. Cos it didn't achieve anything! I just don't see the difference between Labour and Conservative any more."

C: "It's better to look outside all that. Like, I've been trying to get close to Prince Charles recently, trying to encourage him to advance his responsibility towards organic gardening and green issues and anti-GM food. I know the monarchy get in trouble when they get involved in politics, but they should. That'd be a good reason for them to exist."

Kelly: "We've been getting all this shit about us being Nazis! We play one show in an athletics stadium - a celebration of Welsh people and Welsh sporting achievements - and, apparently, that makes it f***ing Nuremburg! It's just nice that Welsh people can have something to celebrate for once."

Cerys: "When I was growing up, there was nothing. Nothing! And you look around now, and there's animation going on, there's films going on, there's actors going on, there's singers, there's bands, there's this whole feeling of 'You can do this.' But before it was : 'Ooooh, you don’t wanna do that!' Did you get that in school, Kelly? 'Ooooh, you can't do that cos you're Welsh!'"

K: "Yeah! We got laughed at! When we both started our bands, there was a f***ing brick wall! You couldn't even get to f***in' London to play a show! I had a bloke in Bristol tell me: 'I'm not booking you unless you're a national band'! There's only a f***ing bridge between us!"

C: "But it's more positive now, see? So when people start slaggin' it, it's just ridiculous."